Looking up from my armchair in the small stone cottage that I shared with Jake, my heart skipped a beat. It was over; all of the mess that had been my life for the last year was over. Any trace of hell had been washed from my life leaving me with the radiance that could only be heaven. I had survived countless attacks, torture, an unknown pregnancy and unbearable stress, but just like mum I came out of it unscathed and shining. Jake was standing by my chair one hand on my shoulder the other lightly stroking Aimee’s hair from where it lay, nuzzled into the crook of my arm. Mum and dad were standing next to him, followed by the rest of my vampire family then the whole pack and their wives, Zafrina and the rest of our friend who had fought for me when I was so young, and finally the Denali’s. Everyone was here; it was a miracle they all fitted into our living room. They were all as amazed by Aimee as we- Jake and I- were, she was a true individual. And, although no one –not even Carlisle- could predict what she was going to become but we all knew that she would be immortal and amazing- no one ever mentioned the alternative. She was a true unique her skin felt marble and cool to the touch but any thermometer would tell you that her temperature was 109°c. Her hair was the exact same colour as mine and dads, but straight like Jakes. To look at her took your breath away, she had the pure vampire excellence but everything about her radiated her shape shifting heritage, and she smelled of the forest musk that I loved so much about Jacob. She had mums eyes, a deep chocolate brown that matched my own and her smile held you captive, unable to look away from it. Alike me she seemed to be very advanced and Carlisle predicted that she would be fully grown within seven years. I sighed a contented sigh as I looked around the full to bursting room and then at Jake, who smiled back down at me, and cupped my cheek in his huge tanned hand.
It was Alice who broke my chain of thoughts, “She is so beautiful, she is going to be an amazing person.”
“I know.”
Alice smiled and looked up at Jasper with anticipation in her eyes. He stared at her blankly for a few seconds until she nudged him playfully in the ribs. Then a small smile accentuated his eyes and he pulled out a small box from the back of his stylish chinos- probably Alice’s choice- handing it to Jake, who opened it with a quizzical look in his eye. As the black velvet lid flicked back, a slow smile stretched across Jacobs russet face. I had an idea what the box contained, but I had no idea how Jake would take it.
“What is it, honey?”
“It’s a crest, a Cullen crest.” I could hear in his voice that he was confused.
Jasper must have sensed Jakes confusion, and stepped in to explain. “We’ve been wanting to give you this for a long time, and we think that it’s the perfect time to give it to you. It’s from all of us. You already know that you are already part of our family, and I am sure we are part of yours, but we just wanted to make it...official.”
“Thanks, really.” He whispered as he slipped the cuff on to his wrist. It looked good on him, his russet skin illuminating it. I could tell that his thank was genuine and relaxed instantly. We were all mesmerised by the sheer beauty for a moment, and my thoughts slipped back to Aimee. Or at least they did for a minute until Seth- naturally- broke the perfect silence.
“There’s something else to. It’s from the whole pack and the Cullen’s. It’s for Aimee, when she’s older.” He handed me a heavy packaged, wrapped in non-descript brown paper and tied up with a plain length of string. Alice couldn’t have wrapped this; it must have been Seth’s doing. I took the package this time, and Jake lifted Aimee out of my arms, scooping her adoringly into his. Slowly my fingered prised open the package, it was thick and heavy, it felt like a brick, but it was too big. As the paper fell away I instantly realised what I was holding, it was a book. The front cover was covered in russet coloured leather, it had the Cullen crest on the front, but it was slightly different to the plain lions and shamrocks that I was so accustomed to then it struck me. The background of the Cullen crest had been replaced by the pack’s symbol, which they all wore proudly on their right arms. My fingers suddenly tingled with anticipation and I flicked the book open. I could feel Jake peering over my shoulder, as eager as I was to know what the huge book contained. As the lid of the book flipped over, and confusion rippled my face, the page was blank. I flicked through the book and every single page was blank. All except one, the second page has missed my glance and now as I studied it, I noticed a beautiful picture of Aimee, Jake and I in the centre of the page. I could not recall this photo being taken and I presumed Alice had done it while I was not looking. Jake and I were standing on the balcony that looked out over the river with Aimee cradled in his arms. We were both looking down at her, and the last drops of sunlight from the day made my skin sheen. It was a beautiful snapshot, a memory to preserve. Around the photo there were drawings, drawn in pencil so faintly you could hardly see them. There were sketches of our wedding, and me being pregnant, and Jake as a wolf, and me as a child on Jakes huge shoulders- I loved it up there.
I only realised now that everyone had been chatting among themselves whilst Jake and I studied the book, and now they resumed the silence, whilst Carlisle began to explain the meaning behind the gift.
“It’s a diary, if you like; a journal to write down the details of Aimee’s life. From my measurements she should grow up at the same rate as you, we thought that, although you will remember every detail of it anyway, it would be nice to have it down in writing.
“Thank you. It’s beautiful, we will treasure it always.” I stood up quickly and took Carlisle tenderly in my arms, my Grandfather who would never age. I went round the room and gave every member of my over extended family a hug. Then mum, who found it impossible to outstay her welcome, suggested to dad that they should leave, and retire to their own cottage. Within a couple of minutes, everyone had departed with hugs, kisses and promises of seeing each other tomorrow- all of my extended family were either staying at the Cullen’s or mum and dads, and the wolves had their own houses not far from ours.
When the room was finally empty, a hollow silence filled my ears, it wasn’t and unpleasant sensation, just different after all of the noise that had been my life for the last year. I stood in the centre of the room and soaked it up, the light airiness, the setting sun that streaked through the window and finally the silence, the beloved silence. Mum said I gained my love for it from Grandpa Charlie.
Jakes voice made me jump slightly as he slipped back into the room, unnoticed by me.
“So Mrs Black, Aimee is asleep, I just put her down, would you like to come and lie with me? I think we both deserve a rest.” Jake didn’t wait for a reply; he scooped me up into his muscled arms and carried me of to our bedroom.
As my head hit the pillow, I rolled over so that my torso was resting against Jake, who was leaning against the many pillows covering the headboard.
“I love you Jacob Black. You know that don’t you?”
He chuckled, his chest vibrating, “Of course. And you know that I love you...more.” I could only just make out the last few words of his sentence as he was now covering my neck and face with hundreds of kisses, his lips pressing in to my skin. I responded immediately, and pulled myself up over his lap. Our lips interlocked, and like always, fireworks...no that wasn’t enough...nuclear bombs. It was a strange comparison, but the strength of our love matched it pretty well. As my hands slipped down his chest Jacob surprised me by catching my hand. He must have caught my puzzled expression because he quickly explained his actions,
“Ness, it’s not that I don’t want to, because trust me there’s nothing I want more. But there is something we need to do first.” He quickly slid of the bed, and walked out of the room. He was back quickly with Aimee’s book and a pen.
“We should write something, a letter.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking,” Jake murmured as he flicked to the page opposite the photo. And that’s what we did, together, me curled up in Jakes lap, we wrote a letter to our beautiful little Aimee.
Darling Aimee,
When a new life is brought into the world it is a magical thing. People rejoice the miracle of new life and wonder at the beauty of it. You, our dearest Aimee were even more special than that. You see, when you came in to the world, no one knew what was going to happen, if your birth would kill me, if you would survive, and most importantly if you were even safe- to yourself and others. The story is a strange one but beautiful all the same, we hope you will treasure it always.
It all began from one very small decision, made by Isabella Swan. She was a seventeen year old girl, who thought that the only thing she would achieve in life is reading Wuthering Heights more than anyone else in the world. You see, she decided to leave her mother, and her new husband Phil, to go and live with her father. So Isabella -or Bella as she liked to be called- left sunny Phoenix to go and live in the tiny town of Forks. And it was in the tiny and cloud covered town of Forks that Bella met Edward Cullen. Bella was instantly captivated by his beauty. But she did not know the dangers that lay beneath the majestic creature. However he did and he did everything in his power to stay away from her, but after a long time of fighting both of their desires he gave in and Edward and Bella fell in love. After many ups and downs and a long war between the Vampires and Quileute’s, Edward and Bella finally married. Whilst the couple were honeymooning, Bella fell pregnant with a vampire and human child. When Edward found out he wanted rid of the child fearing what it would do to his beloved Bella, but she would hear of nothing like it. Bella, with the help of one of Edwards’s sisters, managed to keep her baby in her womb. But the baby made Bella fall very ill, the vampire child was growing at an alarming rate and was draining the life from Bella. After only a month or so of pregnancy the vampire baby called Renesmee was fully grown and Bella went into labour. After the baby had been delivered Edward injected venom into Bella’s heart and changed her into a vampire. Of course the baby was fine and Bella and Edward names her Renesmee after Bella’s mother and Edwards adopted on, Renee and Esme. They both loved baby Renesmee more than their own lives.
Do you remember the Quileute’s that we mentioned earlier, well one wolf from this pack is very important in this story. His name is Jacob Black, your father. When Renesmee was only a few minutes old Jacob looked into her shining eyes and instantly his world revolved around her. Some would describe it simply as ‘love at first sight’ but it’s more than that. Jacob Black imprinted on Renesmee Cullen, he didn’t love the child in the way that he wanted to marry her- not yet any way. Jacob Black simply wanted everything beautiful that the world could offer Nessie. So after some confusion and a fight with the rather disagreeable Volturi clan everything turned out fine for Nessie and Jake. She would be fully grown in seven years but that wouldn’t matter because she would then stay immortal forever.
But our dearest Aimee, where do you come in to this? Well after six years Nessie started to feel differently about Jake, he stopped feeling like her best friend, and turned into her boyfriend, then husband. And eventually Jake and Nessie had a beautiful little girl- you. And you are the most precious and valued person in our lives, you must never forget that.
This story is a brief one, and there are a lot of things that need to be explained to you, but they will all come in time our dearest Aimee. So now all we have left to say is that we love you very, very much and so do the rest of your family, the Cullen’s, the Quileute’s, the Denali’s, Zafrina, Charlie, Benjamin, Tia and everyone else who has ever set eyes on you. Dearest little Aimee, the words that Jacob Black once said to Renesmee Carlie Cullen deep in a forest were ‘Le Vrai Amour Tient La clef’. True love holds the key. And now Aimee you hold the key to our hearts.
Don’t you ever forget that,
Love Mum and Dad
I didn’t realise that a silent tear was rolling down my cheeks until Jacob wiped it off.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because I’m so happy, it’s all true.” I whimpered in reply.
“I know.” And with that Jake lifted his huge hand up to my chin- tiny in comparison- and lifted it up to his face. As our lips interlocked we began where we left off.
The next morning started the same as any other morning... get up, get dressed, kiss Jake, flick the news on, kiss Jake some more, go and see if Aimee’s awake. But that is where it all went wrong. Wrong is probably the wrong word to use, but right now it’s the only one that springs to mind.
When someone’s child is terminally ill, their parents grieve for them. They grieve for the life that their child will never live and that they will never get to see. But they also try to make the life that they do have as brilliant as possible. Taking all of the positive things that life will throw at you and giving it to them. No one can understand how painful losing a child is, and nothing, not ever can come close to it. You can’t give people the pain, and take it off your shoulders for a while; it’s there, with you all the time. Thinking that your child is going to die is incredibly painful too, and when mum told me how she felt when she first saw how quickly I aged I could only sympathise with her. I could never really feel the constant ticking off the clock, wondering that, in fifteen years time would your child have reached ninety and you still hadn’t aged past eighteen. But now I could, because when I walked into my darling Aimee’s nursery that morning, I saw a child that looked a month old, at least.
“JAKE, come quickly. It’s the baby, our baby!” my words came out a pain stricken gargle but Jake came running.
“Nessie, Nessie, what is it, what’s happened?” I crouched down, by Aimee’s cot my head sunk in my knees. “Look at her! She’s different… s-she looks OLD!” The last word of my sentence came out as a shriek, a cry, a gargle all in one. I was killing Jacob; I knew that as he stooped over to pick Aimee up out of the cot, that there would be a tear streaking each cheek. My pain was his, and I hated myself for doing this to him, but I couldn’t help it. Facts and figures accumulated by Carlisle could not dampen the ravaging fire that was my worry for my daughter.
Then his warm arms were around me, hugging me close, Aimee between us. I engulfed her in my arms, loving her so much I thought I was going to burst. We must have looked pretty comical then, me on Jakes lap bawling my eyes out, Jake trying to comfort me, me trying to comfort Aimee. I was a mess.
“Nessie, my Nessie. Don’t worry, please, please don’t worry. Its fine, everything’s going to be fine. Oh god, I’m so stupid! I shouldn’t have let you see Aimee like that, what if you’ve gone into shock. Oh I’m an idiot.”
I cut him off there, this was my fault not his. I was too exhausted to speak -despite the fact of just having woken up- so I placed my palm against his cheek and let my thoughts flow. I knew what he was saying made sense, well some of it, but what if Aimee wasn’t like me? I knew somewhere deep within me that she was, of course, but how could I not question it, it was my daughter’s life for crying out loud. I had to be strong, trust Carlisle and trust Jacob and I knew that. They would never say something was going to be okay, if it wasn’t. I knew that much…didn’t I?
“Oh Nessie, it’s going to be fine. I remember when I first saw you and your super-fast growth. I was scared too, I was more than scared but you have to trust Carlisle. He knows what he’s doing.”
I nodded, and pulled myself together. I wasn’t a child any more- well not in that way- I was a mum, a mum to Aimee.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to panic you.” I pulled myself up of the floor. Jacob stood up with me, holding Aimee in one arm, the other around me.
“You don’t need to be sorry, it okay to be afraid. But look at her Renesmee, she’s still our Aimee.” Then I started to look at her, take her in all over again. As my eyes adjusted, I realised the changes were more subtle than I had previously thought. She was longer, but only by an inch or so. Her face was slimmer but it still had that round baby shape to it. I suppose she looked about a month old, and I could still see the baby like innocence in her eyes. But somewhere under that, was there, could it be?
“You know, she can probably understand us, you could at this age.” Jake whispered. It was as if he could read my mind. I nodded, I suppose deep down I had been expecting this to.
“Hello little Aimee, this is me, your mummy. And this,” I moved my torso so her pretty eyes were looking at Jacob, “is Daddy. And we both love you very, very much.” The word that came from my
lips were perfectly true and suddenly, as if nothing had ever happened I reached one hand out and placed it against Jacobs cheek,
“Thank you,” I whispered. Then I gently placed my lips against his for one brief second before lifting Aimee out of his arms and taking Jake with one hand. As I led him down the hall into our tiny sitting room, I stopped by a large window in the middle of the corridor. I hadn’t really noticed it before; I had always been too busy with Jake or Aimee. But now, as the sun rose over the forest that surrounded our cottage I stood there by the window, looking out as far as my eye could see. Jacob didn’t say anything, but put his arm around by shoulder and kissed my hair. Suddenly the light burst up from over the tree tops and Aimee was radiant in my arms, her skin had the same subtle glow as mine, she was magnificent.
Then it happened. I heard her; she was inside of my head. I couldn’t describe how that felt. It was magical, she wasn’t communicating through her words, but I could feel her emotions and see what she was thinking. It had to be her; nothing else could be so beautiful. I looked at her palm wondering if… could it be… no, neither of her tiny hands was touching my skin. Then Jake spoke,
“Nessie, you heard her too, didn’t you”
Jake had heard Aimee too? But he didn’t have vampire blood, but then again he could hear me… I couldn’t understand how both of us could hear our daughter in our heads; it was obvious that she had a talent… but what. Then it hit me, Jake could communicate mentally with his pack, people connected to him through the wolf bloodline, but only when in wolf form. I could communicate with anyone but I had to touch them, usually with my hand. She was similar to me, I had taken each of my parents ‘gifts’ and flipped them, she had taken one aspect of each. Our daughter had the most amazing talent of all, she could let anyone read her mind, and I had a pretty good hunch that she was going to be a shape shifter too.
“Yes,” I whispered. I wasn’t shocked, or upset, or confused. No, I was proud, because we had a daughter, the most beautiful daughter on the planet, inside and out.
And there we stood, the sun gleaming on us, Jacob and I staring at our Aimee, our foreheads touching. We dint need to speak, we both could understand her gift, and the conversation would come later, with the others. For now we just savoured the serenity.
“It’s all going to be fine. I know it, do you know how?” my voice was hardly a whisper but Jake replied straight away.
“No,”
“Because I have my true loves, you and Aimee, and together we can do anything.”
And although we had a whole lifetime to look forward to with Aimee, I suppose that’s where our happily ever after began.
all about edward cullen
Saturday, 19 November 2011
101 ways to annoy Edward
1. Call him Eddy, all the time
2. Give yourself a paper cut and make a point of showing him the blood, then put it in your mouth. Say, “Mmmm, Delicious! Want some?”
3. Say “you don’t look that scary”
4. Use vampire expression like “holy Dracula” and “good bye sweet Transylvania”
5. Visualize yourself naked
6. Ask him to help you do something impossible (save the world, build an atomic clock, help you with your calculus ect). When he has trouble say “never mind, I’m sure Jacob could help me”
7. Drive REALLY slow
8. Volunteer him for a blood drive
9. Hold up a bottle of ketchup and say, “look!! BLOOOOOD OOOOOOOO”
10. Hang posters that say “I support Jacob Black” and “Jacob Black for President” All over his room
11. Throw him to the crazy fan girl hordes.
12. Tie Bella to some railroad tracks. When he gets mad, say, “Wow, a little overprotective, aren’t we? I’m sure Jacob wouldn’t have a problem with this.”
13. Say, “Hey, aren’t you that guy from Harry Potter?”
14. Tell him that Emmet is a cooler vampire than him.
15. Tell him that Jane has the coolest vampire power. Mention that it’s significantly better than mind reading.
16. Continually suggest that he’d be better off eating Bella, rather than dating her.
17. Mention that he isn’t a real vampire.
18. When flying on an airplane, say, “If this plane crashes on an island, we eat Bella first.”
19. Suggest that his life is too stressful. Recommend aromatherapy.
20. When he announces his wedding, say “Why? Is Bella pregnant?”
21. Leave bloody dead animals around him. Insist that you’re helping with the aromatherapy.
22. Invite Jacob’s whole family to the wedding. When he gets mad, say, “I was just trying to help.”
23. Invite the Volturi to the wedding.
24. Make a list of the ways that werewolves are cooler than vampires. Show it to him. Act offended when he gets mad.
25. Tell him that he’s too closed-minded: he needs to welcome people of all cultures into his life.
26. Talk in Ebonics.
27. Tell him to “bear in mind other people’s thoughts.”
28. Kidnap Bella. When he asks where she is, say, “Don’t worry about it.”
29. When he threatens to kill you, say, “Now, now, aren’t we being a little hasty?”
30. When he really is going to kill you, blame Alice. Say she took her to LA to go shopping.
31. Poke him.
32. When he talks about how painful his transformation was, say, “Oh, yeah, your life is soooo hard.”
33. When he talks about how much he loves Bella, say, “Aren’t you a little young to know what love is? Maybe you should wait till you’re a few years older.”
34. Make Bella wear a team Jacob shirt.
35. Suggest that he and Bella take some time off to “see other people.” Recommend Jessica Stanley for him.
36. Run over his Volvo with Bella’s truck.
37. While he’s listening, tell Bella she deserves something better.
38. Invite him to go to the beach with you.
39. Read the back of the Twilight books to him. Bonus points for using a dramatic announcer voice.
40. Blame him for all of Bella’s past injuries.
41. Constantly hint at how good Bella must smell.
42. Visualize his life in 20 years. SUV, suburban house, 12 kids.
43. Laugh when Bella trips. Loudly.
44. Shine a bright light in his face. Say, “Darnit, you didn’t go all sparkly.”
45. Buy a copy of Breaking Dawn on the black market. Tell him he dies at the end.
46. Ask him where he buys his body glitter.
47. Suggest self-tanner.
48. When Bella says how much she loves him, think then why was she making out with Jacob down at La Push yesterday?
49. When he gets mad, innocently say, “I didn’t say anything.”
50. Point out the circles under his eyes. Tell him to get more sleep.
51. Offer to lend him your concealer.
52. Withdraw the offer. Tell him that he’s too pale for this shade.
53. Suggest that a week in the tropics would do him good.
54. Tell him that we’re getting tired of his “scary” act.
55. Redecorate his room in a Care-bear theme.
56. Tell him that it will help him be happy.
57. Buy him a wolf plushie.
58. Turn his piano into a craps table.
59. Suggest that he try harder to make new friends.
60. Tell him that he should hang out with Mike Newton more often.
61. Put pretty bows in his hair while he’s distracted.
62. Tell him that pretending to sleep would make him sympathize with the humans more.
63. Cook delicious-looking meals. When he won’t eat them, get offended. Tell him “I put my sweat and blood into that meal!”
64. Suggest the same stupid plan over and over again. When he gets mad, say, “Well now, who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning…oh, wait!”
65. Tell him he could up his cool if he went out for football. Or Track.
66. Wear tinfoil on your head. When he asks why, tell him that people are always trying to read your mind.
67. Give yourself a paper-cut in front of Jasper.
68. When he attacks, say, “Bad, dog, down!”
69. Suggest that they keep Jasper in the back yard. “If he can’t be civilized, well…”
70. Push Bella in front of a bus.
71. Pour ketchup on Bella.
72. Ask him to sign your copy of Twilight.
73. Wonder loudly to yourself what The Souls are going to do with the Cullen’s when they invade.
74. Plant daisies in his house.
75. Break all of his CDs.
76. Take Bella shopping. Accidentally leave her at the mall.
77. Crash his wedding.
78. When he plans his wedding, say, “Who’s going to come? You know like four people.”
79. Whenever he comes into the room, start mentally singing the ‘Gilligan’s Island’ theme song.
80. When he tells you to stop, say, “Stop what?”
81. Take all of his CD’s. Replace them with songs from Disney movies.
82. Tell him that he and Bella should go on more ‘real dates.’
83. Ask him if he’s planning on having a vampire attack Bella every spring break. Mention that you know someone who would be willing to help this year.
84. Make a list of reasons why Bella should leave him. Make sure that you have one of them be, “Jacob. Enough said.”
85. Roll in glitter. Run around saying, “Look at me! I’m Edward! I’m Edward!”
86. Write him love poems. Sign them from Jacob.
87. Tell him that it’s perfectly acceptable to be an ‘alternative couple’ with Jacob.
88. Diagram a love triangle: Edward <3 Jacob. Jacob <3 Bella. Bella <3 Edward.
89. When he plans his wedding, say, “You know, the leading cause of divorce is marrying too young.”
90. Suggest that the Cullen’s have more “family meetings.” Make a point not to invite Bella.
91. Tell Bella that her cooking skills will be wasted if she marries him.
92. Ask him if he’ll still love Bella once she’s a vampire and not clumsy anymore.
93. Give him your Divorce attorney’s card. Tell him it’s “Just in case.”
94. Skip around the house chanting, “Edward and Bella, sitting in a tree.”
95. Diagnose him randomly. “Maybe you have sleep apnea.” “You look anemic. Have you been getting enough red meat?” “Maybe it’s a vitamin D deficiency.” Ask Carlisle to back your suggestions up.
96. Invite small children to his house for ‘scary story time’.
97. Paint his room. Pink.
98. Ask if you’re going to be in the wedding party. Repeatedly. And frequently.
99. Wonder what to get him for a wedding present. “A mattress topper? No, that won’t work. A blender? No, wait…oh! A trip to Hawaii. Oh, never mind…”
100. Wave wooden crosses and strings of garlic at him randomly. When he asks what you’re doing, say, “I know I read this somewhere.”
101. Mail him a llama. When he asks why, say, “Why not?”
2. Give yourself a paper cut and make a point of showing him the blood, then put it in your mouth. Say, “Mmmm, Delicious! Want some?”
3. Say “you don’t look that scary”
4. Use vampire expression like “holy Dracula” and “good bye sweet Transylvania”
5. Visualize yourself naked
6. Ask him to help you do something impossible (save the world, build an atomic clock, help you with your calculus ect). When he has trouble say “never mind, I’m sure Jacob could help me”
7. Drive REALLY slow
8. Volunteer him for a blood drive
9. Hold up a bottle of ketchup and say, “look!! BLOOOOOD OOOOOOOO”
10. Hang posters that say “I support Jacob Black” and “Jacob Black for President” All over his room
11. Throw him to the crazy fan girl hordes.
12. Tie Bella to some railroad tracks. When he gets mad, say, “Wow, a little overprotective, aren’t we? I’m sure Jacob wouldn’t have a problem with this.”
13. Say, “Hey, aren’t you that guy from Harry Potter?”
14. Tell him that Emmet is a cooler vampire than him.
15. Tell him that Jane has the coolest vampire power. Mention that it’s significantly better than mind reading.
16. Continually suggest that he’d be better off eating Bella, rather than dating her.
17. Mention that he isn’t a real vampire.
18. When flying on an airplane, say, “If this plane crashes on an island, we eat Bella first.”
19. Suggest that his life is too stressful. Recommend aromatherapy.
20. When he announces his wedding, say “Why? Is Bella pregnant?”
21. Leave bloody dead animals around him. Insist that you’re helping with the aromatherapy.
22. Invite Jacob’s whole family to the wedding. When he gets mad, say, “I was just trying to help.”
23. Invite the Volturi to the wedding.
24. Make a list of the ways that werewolves are cooler than vampires. Show it to him. Act offended when he gets mad.
25. Tell him that he’s too closed-minded: he needs to welcome people of all cultures into his life.
26. Talk in Ebonics.
27. Tell him to “bear in mind other people’s thoughts.”
28. Kidnap Bella. When he asks where she is, say, “Don’t worry about it.”
29. When he threatens to kill you, say, “Now, now, aren’t we being a little hasty?”
30. When he really is going to kill you, blame Alice. Say she took her to LA to go shopping.
31. Poke him.
32. When he talks about how painful his transformation was, say, “Oh, yeah, your life is soooo hard.”
33. When he talks about how much he loves Bella, say, “Aren’t you a little young to know what love is? Maybe you should wait till you’re a few years older.”
34. Make Bella wear a team Jacob shirt.
35. Suggest that he and Bella take some time off to “see other people.” Recommend Jessica Stanley for him.
36. Run over his Volvo with Bella’s truck.
37. While he’s listening, tell Bella she deserves something better.
38. Invite him to go to the beach with you.
39. Read the back of the Twilight books to him. Bonus points for using a dramatic announcer voice.
40. Blame him for all of Bella’s past injuries.
41. Constantly hint at how good Bella must smell.
42. Visualize his life in 20 years. SUV, suburban house, 12 kids.
43. Laugh when Bella trips. Loudly.
44. Shine a bright light in his face. Say, “Darnit, you didn’t go all sparkly.”
45. Buy a copy of Breaking Dawn on the black market. Tell him he dies at the end.
46. Ask him where he buys his body glitter.
47. Suggest self-tanner.
48. When Bella says how much she loves him, think then why was she making out with Jacob down at La Push yesterday?
49. When he gets mad, innocently say, “I didn’t say anything.”
50. Point out the circles under his eyes. Tell him to get more sleep.
51. Offer to lend him your concealer.
52. Withdraw the offer. Tell him that he’s too pale for this shade.
53. Suggest that a week in the tropics would do him good.
54. Tell him that we’re getting tired of his “scary” act.
55. Redecorate his room in a Care-bear theme.
56. Tell him that it will help him be happy.
57. Buy him a wolf plushie.
58. Turn his piano into a craps table.
59. Suggest that he try harder to make new friends.
60. Tell him that he should hang out with Mike Newton more often.
61. Put pretty bows in his hair while he’s distracted.
62. Tell him that pretending to sleep would make him sympathize with the humans more.
63. Cook delicious-looking meals. When he won’t eat them, get offended. Tell him “I put my sweat and blood into that meal!”
64. Suggest the same stupid plan over and over again. When he gets mad, say, “Well now, who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning…oh, wait!”
65. Tell him he could up his cool if he went out for football. Or Track.
66. Wear tinfoil on your head. When he asks why, tell him that people are always trying to read your mind.
67. Give yourself a paper-cut in front of Jasper.
68. When he attacks, say, “Bad, dog, down!”
69. Suggest that they keep Jasper in the back yard. “If he can’t be civilized, well…”
70. Push Bella in front of a bus.
71. Pour ketchup on Bella.
72. Ask him to sign your copy of Twilight.
73. Wonder loudly to yourself what The Souls are going to do with the Cullen’s when they invade.
74. Plant daisies in his house.
75. Break all of his CDs.
76. Take Bella shopping. Accidentally leave her at the mall.
77. Crash his wedding.
78. When he plans his wedding, say, “Who’s going to come? You know like four people.”
79. Whenever he comes into the room, start mentally singing the ‘Gilligan’s Island’ theme song.
80. When he tells you to stop, say, “Stop what?”
81. Take all of his CD’s. Replace them with songs from Disney movies.
82. Tell him that he and Bella should go on more ‘real dates.’
83. Ask him if he’s planning on having a vampire attack Bella every spring break. Mention that you know someone who would be willing to help this year.
84. Make a list of reasons why Bella should leave him. Make sure that you have one of them be, “Jacob. Enough said.”
85. Roll in glitter. Run around saying, “Look at me! I’m Edward! I’m Edward!”
86. Write him love poems. Sign them from Jacob.
87. Tell him that it’s perfectly acceptable to be an ‘alternative couple’ with Jacob.
88. Diagram a love triangle: Edward <3 Jacob. Jacob <3 Bella. Bella <3 Edward.
89. When he plans his wedding, say, “You know, the leading cause of divorce is marrying too young.”
90. Suggest that the Cullen’s have more “family meetings.” Make a point not to invite Bella.
91. Tell Bella that her cooking skills will be wasted if she marries him.
92. Ask him if he’ll still love Bella once she’s a vampire and not clumsy anymore.
93. Give him your Divorce attorney’s card. Tell him it’s “Just in case.”
94. Skip around the house chanting, “Edward and Bella, sitting in a tree.”
95. Diagnose him randomly. “Maybe you have sleep apnea.” “You look anemic. Have you been getting enough red meat?” “Maybe it’s a vitamin D deficiency.” Ask Carlisle to back your suggestions up.
96. Invite small children to his house for ‘scary story time’.
97. Paint his room. Pink.
98. Ask if you’re going to be in the wedding party. Repeatedly. And frequently.
99. Wonder what to get him for a wedding present. “A mattress topper? No, that won’t work. A blender? No, wait…oh! A trip to Hawaii. Oh, never mind…”
100. Wave wooden crosses and strings of garlic at him randomly. When he asks what you’re doing, say, “I know I read this somewhere.”
101. Mail him a llama. When he asks why, say, “Why not?”
who is he?
Edward Cullen (né Edward Anthony Masen) is a fictional character in Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. He is featured in the books Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, as well as the Twilight film, and the as yet unfinished novel Midnight Sun - a re-telling of the events of Twilight from Edward's perspective. Edward is a vampire who, over the course of the series, falls in love with, marries, and has a child with Bella Swan, a human teenager who later chooses to become a vampire as well. In the Twilight film series, Edward is played by actor Robert Pattinson.
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